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Voting with My Heart

 

 

I sit here watching the brilliant fire red leaves from the Japanese maple, light up my living room like a prairie sunset paralyzed with the realization of how much I am seeing through the lens of an anxiety.  The moment of absolute pause and peace is potent medicine against the backdrop of chaos unfolding within my sleep starved state.  I feel the instability  that is arising from a neglected root.  I don’t know who I am in this new role as a mom.  I spent the last decade and a half establishing my identity with both a lot of passion and a lot of need for externalized validation.   And then I grew a human inside me and delivered her to the world and my pelvic floor isn’t the only part of my being that is a little disoriented.  A root reason why I feel so shaken to the core is the awareness that the unconditional love I experienced with her inside of me is now missing and I feel somehow incomplete. And the more time I spend feeling into the conditions I have placed on myself to be who I think I should be,  the more anxious I become in this disharmonious embodiment of not enough as I am. And the trust I close off to in exchange for what is safe in its familiarity but not actually true to the core of who I have always been requires some compassion, tenderness and full curious presence.  Similar to the way Rosie demands those qualities of me.  And so my pelvic base, the seat of my support, is unsure and insecure as I recommit to my ever-evolving nature in the eyes of being loved by Rosie.  Its bound so tight in fear of the unknown, yet that is really the only thing life promises.  Change.

Rosie is building her own Root chakra in these first 6 months earth-side and she is asking that I re-evaluate my own disillusioned and distorted pelvic floor.  And so I am feeling all the aspects of the facade I have created to make me feel safe and secure when in truth the physical representation of career or shelter or supports are only as strong as I trust myself, my adaptable and resilient nature nested inside of me no matter what needs to change outside of me.  And the more that I internally berate myself, and cling to what was or how I used to do it and then judge myself at every turn, playing out ‘I am alone’ (aka not reaching out),  the more I allow for anxiousness to take over.   Because I have fallen in the trap of comparing myself to how things were and this leads me to grasping at my old way of moving through life, kind of like the way the conservatives want to go back to the way things were. But it’s not possible. This is my new reality.  I am managing a ball of chaos and unpredictable as my full-time job.  And it’s easy for me to vote for my old ways because they seem like they will give me control but that gripping is what keeps me from the veracity of my ability to grow and evolve.  The only true control I have is on how I treat myself, how honest I am in how I show up to my life and how open I am to trusting the mysterious unfolding of my life.

So I continue to release how I used to be or do things and show up to my body and my life with curiosity and humility.  I mirror Rosie’s inquisitiveness, her openness to try new things and shake up stale patterns in who I was behaving to be loved outside of myself.  And I welcome a new government of thoughts and ways of being.  Because change is what is needed for me to thrive.  And I am responsible for my choices, my actions, my behaviours and therefore the reality in which I am creating.  I am consciously courting my core and pelvic floor for the first time and allowing myself to be softer and sweeter in the process with no expectations of what will come of our young blossoming union.

The more time I spend observing, questioning and acknowledging what aspects of me are making my decisions (from the lens of separateness or from the lens of loving kindness), the more heart honest I am becoming.  I am waking up to moments of my past behaving through me, confining me to a menu plan that no longer nourishes me, to habits I modelled that auction my free will for the most familiar price and manifestations of realities I heard and witnessed from my upbringing that are not at all true to the potential of love inside me.

So much of the lens I am looking through got scratched with shame and fogged with fear and etched with the experiences of what I deem now as a part of my identity.  And it cloaks the creative vibrancy that I see mirrored in the sparkle of my Rosies eyes.  She is my divine reminder that I am designing the life that I see in front of me either from love or from fear.

And many of the ways in which I decide what is too expensive or how much money I deserve to make or how flexible I can be or what is a healthy lifestyle or what success looks like or how people should behave, or any of the meanings I have made to any external physical manifestation of who I think I am was the product of a decision that I fused to and play out as how I show up!!!

What a relief because this gives me the option to change any of it.

In the final days leading up to a very important election where we have to vote for a future we wish to see and meanwhile we must also wake up to the lens in which we are looking through to really stand up for our planet, for the well-being of all ecosystems and all people in a way that is harmonized in love.

We have to ask ourselves what lens are we choosing?  ls it the lens of who our parents voted for and so its comfortable, or the viewpoint of what jobs make us feel more secure because its familiar or the perspective of our internal wounds being triggered by change from an unstable pelvic root or the vantage point of fear and a lost sense of belonging or from the angle of how we don’t understand our system fully and feel too small to ask questions or the lens of blame we reinforce by pointing the finger at the government as if it in not the representation of our collective.

We easily can make choices from fear.  Fear of change or fear of the truth.  It is scary to really open our eyes to the unpleasantness that we have all contributed to the harm of our planet, of other people, and to ourselves.  But we also have the capacity to heal in love, to grow in compassion and to thrive in kindness.  To release the political malice that comes from believing we are separate and therefore better or worse than another being.  To reclaim our forests and streams, to protect our animals and ecosystems and nourish our soils and children, to prosper from the root of loving kindness.

We are physically sustained and thrive by how vibrant our physical environment is.  We are mentally and emotionally sustained and thrive by a healthy internal landscape that we tend to in the same way we tend to our gardens.  And if we can see the connection between the unkind internal environment we claim as who we are in the not enough-ness we have been marketed and the shame we have embodied, we can see that this has lead to making choices in our physical community structures that care more about cheap stuff than enslaved people and more about possessions than time to spend with the people we love and increased GDP more than clean water, healthy forests and therefore lungs.  And this is a serious mirror of how much we can consume to fill the void of no enough or alone.  When we hate on ourselves, we buy a new sweater to try and cover that feeling which was made in a Chinese factory by a person who is enslaved by a system that cares more about what we look like than how truly fulfilled we are and we ship it across the ocean destroying habitats to arrive in our closet, where we rarely wear it because it reminds us of why we bought it in the first place.

True fulfillment comes from living a life in deep connection to others and nature and from purposefully acting from the heart in service of love and kindness and truth of expression.

Every purchase we make is our vote. Every thought we believe about ourselves is who we become.  And if you believe that we can change to live kinder, more happier and more respectful lives than we will.

Are you really fulfilled in the job you do?  Are you sincerely happy with the life you are designing in front of you? Can you wake up and see that the world in which you are seeing is the envisioning of your subconscious programs that can either be tuned in with love and truth or hate and fear.

Vote with your heart. Because you have spent the time to stop, breathe in right here, breath out right now. And listen.

May all beings including myself be healthy and happy

May all beings including myself be free from suffering

May all beings including myself open to the infinite abundance

May all beings including myself trust in the mysterious unfolding of my life. 

May all beings including myself hear the whispers of my own heart and grow to honour them always.

May we all find our is in loving kindness and may we  all find love for ourselves, each other and the planet.

With love
Kaitlin

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