“The more important a call to action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel about answering it. But to yield to Resistance deforms our spirit. It stunts us and makes us less than we are and were born to be.” -Steven Pressfield
Lately I feel aimless. Like I am holding a bow with no arrow in sight. The arrows got lost in the unexpected twists and turns my life has decided to take. And now I have landed in a place to nest anew, and I have to construct from scratch a representation that points to the evolution of who I am becoming. Of course it would be easier to go and just buy one somebody else made, even on sale, but then I would end up off course and launched too soon. And I am realizing that this time in between starting and the result is o so precious to surrender in.
“Let a new life happen to you” –Nayyirah waheed
And although I have found acceptance for where I am and excitement for something completely different, I can’t seem to put my finger on this change happening inside of me just waiting to be revealed. Confusion seems to be a sign that transformation is unfolding. And its enlightened by moments of absolute wonder and other moments of complete panic. Where I feel like I could so easily be persuaded down someone else’s path because the one I have embarked on has no compass, no flashlight, no destination in sight.
“The human soul doesn’t want to be advised, fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed, exactly as it is.” -Parker Palmer
And in this experience of challenge where I was so sure I thought I knew who I was, only to realize my perception was jaded by so much fixating on the outside instead of feeling all my inside. I see again how desperately I was clinging to other peoples opinions, or my societies ideals of what I should strive for. But I want to be brave for this little girl growing within me and I want to be more of who I know hides behind getting your approval.
“Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?” -Danielle Laporte
That uncovering of what has always been there is exaggerated by the palpable yin energy coursing through my veins like never before. My body is like putty, my mind no longer sees schedules or structures but rather senses rhythms and steeps in a stew of feelings that demand to be written or touched, or baked in the oven. And this way of existing is not how our system is set up. I should be getting all the tasks checked off the list, but all my soul wants to do is be held and heard and celebrated in this potent time of creation expressing into little toes and wise eyes that reflect my spirit that I have spent so much time taming, and maiming. So I am walking the woods quietly and moving slowly from Bens arms to writing poems to stirring ingredients over the stove. I am allowing my womb to guide my movements, enrich my behaviours. I am nurturing this intimate bond to my precious gift dancing on my bladder and fluttering alongside the butterflies that are so thrilled to be her mother.
“A woman… must learn to lead from the womb. To move our attention from the head to the belly, from the mind to the body, a woman must learn to read the signals and learn to trust them. Otherwise she will never be sure of the difference between her intuition and those little fearful voices in there head that tell her to be cautious, careful, stop, don’t and so on.” –Vicki Noble
So here I bask in a new depth of compassion and love for myself that could have only come from such a shift in paradigm. I humbly revere the gift that this practice of yoga has given me. I am fully claiming my whole self, the parts that feel judged and the pieces that feel unwavering confidence. And I hope that will translate into meeting all of you with more of what’s true that my heart has to offer. I will do my best to hide less behind my fears of not being received and share more of what is unraveling within my long sits observing the unpredictable weathers inside and out.
“Mindfulness meditation doesn’t change life. Life remains as fragile and unpredictable as ever. Meditation changes the heart’s capacity to accept life as it is.”
And I know everyday, I will come against the resistance that appears the moment I bravely put all of myself ‘out there’ from ‘the in here’ that I so tenderly and determinedly show up to. The distractions will be seductive, the known will be enticing, and the procrastination will be incessant, but I am dedicated to the meaning of perseverance; The steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.
“Everyday the world will drag you by the hand, yelling, ‘this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!’ And each day, its up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, “No. This is what’s important” -Lain Thomas
So even when I get persuaded to avoid or misuse, I have the tools from my daily practice to surrender to my soul’s sincere and clarifying muse. To live more fully each day in the commitment to what lights me up rather than what just barely pays the bills. So I will keep writing, learning from my fears and moving towards the life still unlived inside of me yearning to be freed. Even if it means I have to feel the feelings I don’t want to feel, I will continue to greet them and treat them with generous ink.
“If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it.” -Anais Nin
To the workshop I go, sharpening my desires, honing my skills, and welding with fire my passion for an arrow that is birthed from the bow of my womb and the love of my infinite potential to be all I can. Most importantly in the face of this beautiful baby being I am soon to share my joys and my defeats. And that means I have to keep practicing my aim. And trust in my ability to soar aligned with my own souls design giving her permission to do the same. And you too.
“Life is creation – self and circumstances, the raw material.” -Dorothy Richardson
Thank you for reading