Let me just say that this time in my female identified life is hugely underrated. I feel like this is the second great transition a women goes through, and these transitions are like gateways into a new realm of reality as the hormones shift, the emotional chemistry changes and therefore viewpoints alchemize from comfortable into the unknown and wisdom is either gained or resisted.
One is her first bleed, the second is motherhood, and the third is menopause.
I was blindsided by this pregnancy not just because I thought it would never happen for me but mostly because of the deep uprooting of who I thought I was. A crisis in identity. As my body transforms so must my mental paradigms, my emotional capacities and as a result another spiritual growth spurt that literally makes me to big for all my clothes and too soft to take on other peoples problems.
The ripple effect of this is either behaving like a “crazy pregnant lady”, as movies would have us believe, or instead I can harness this incredible power that is this time of reflection and urgent need for self care to realize who I might become. A levelling up of sorts. A honing of an intuitive source I so busily overlooked.
And so this means I have had to re-negotiate my priorities. Tenderize my hardened habits of behaviours, soothe my rigid, masculine tendencies of getting shit done by being crazy busy or productive for my business to increase output. And I have had to be with the unkind intolerant narratives that have appeared since passion expressed in this new state no longer looks as career aggressive or achievement oriented. I notice how often I feel inadequate in my slow paced day to day full of pregnant pauses (like literally moments of elation to feel my little girl making water dances in my uterus).
The shame I harbour for not doing enough is deluding my self worth that this job of growing and nourishing another being to life is lesser than. So I must boldly rise up beyond the placating and bullying narratives, own my time at home nurturing this new form I share and taking in more doses of slow and flow. Because there is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
I am so blissfully appreciative of this magical time of my unfolding and I don’t want to rush it or be too busy to savour it. It’s fascinating sensing a part of myself I had so harshly ignored and now with this new awareness, go out of my way to embrace. This baby inside of me is already my greatest teacher yet, influencing a totally different way of valuing my enoughness by how honestly I listen and how kindly I respond.
As I try to find answers it shows the multi dimensional impact of my experience.
Like maybe it’s the fact that I had completely given up on ever getting pregnant after 7 years of it not working out that in the revelation of this miracle, I don’t have much else to give a fuck about because I feel like the luckiest person. Or maybe it’s because my energy is busy creating a human that pretending I have a lot extra to bury myself in work feels dishonest and inconsiderate to the needs of my body and baby. Or maybe it’s just cause my hormones are biochemically carving out new rhythms for what is truly important to the survival and thrival of myself and this little one, that worrying about how amazing you think I am at what I am doing with my life seems so irrelevant. Or maybe it’s a case of the pregnancy clarity with its extra strong intuitive connection that reinforces healthier boundaries and no bull shit expectations of myself, so that I make space for this full time wonder that will be joining us soon. And that is why I can’t seem to muster up enough give a fucks about whether I didn’t post on social media again or book those extra workshops like I normally would, or work on more content the way I probably should. And that is totally ok!!
Because I am absolutely overjoyed to be snuggled in my husbands arms watching my baby bump make waves and receiving kisses on my protruding belly as my husband coos at the little peanut growing so fast inside of me that I can’t even fake being upset that I took this time to work less.
And when again that old familiar friend guilt creeps in and berates me for not doing enough, I pause, feel my feet, and out the fears on paper or to a friend and gain a different kind of clarity I am new to looking through. Don’t get me wrong… it (as in my egotistical attachments and sabotaging thoughts) protest and demand that I should build 3 new courses and teach as much as possible so people don’t forget me, and learn new skills to sharpen my business growth in the direction I want, but I am getting better at compassionately calming it and redirecting it on the truth of what I actually need in that moment.
And so of course in the grit and grime of what is involved in the transformation from caterpillar to butterfly or in this case career focused solo women to baby focused mother responsible for the well-being of not just myself but another human, requires a bit of transitional compassion. No wonder life feels like it’s a dream that blurs with fuzzy faces and fizzles with fragmented efforts. Because it is challenging to let go of my old and might I add mostly awesome ways of existing and mourn it too and then learn all over again what embodiment of this new me is all about. And it’s especially tricky when there is so much outside of me telling me what it should look like and selling me what it thinks I need.
So I ask you my friends who have taken the time to read this and love me even when we may not be on the same page, can you promise me to take time to get to know yourself whatever phase your in? Live it on your terms so that you have less need to be a certain way to be ok in who you are. And even if our passions are changing again or our desires are different than what our friends or coworkers or family is wishing for, that we will be brave enough to express it truthfully, share it unashamedly and bask in it wholeheartedly. And I promise to cheer you on in whatever your juggling or failing or winning or craving as long as it’s true to your heart right now. And I give myself permission to do the same.
So I am going back to cooking barefoot in my new kitchen, and sanding the old hand me down crib and maybe I will answer a few emails later and most definitely I will go for a walk in the woods and do some lazy yoga in my living room and I will teach a class because I love it and after I might write down some inspirational ideas for a new project or work on that course I want to share for an hour or two but whether I do or I don’t totally depends on how long my nap takes and how much time I spend snuggling with my partner in the nest. And I am not going to feel bad about it anymore.
Because this time is precious, and I don’t want to waste it being hard on myself when what I need is to take it slow and tender and be totally successful in that.
I can trust that my needs will change again in the future and that is ok. And that I don’t have to keep clinging to how much energy I used to have or how many tasks I used to accomplish when the comparison is strangling my joy and the self judgment is depreciating my value as a loving mom to be.
So here it is.
The lesson in surrender again, not in a way I am giving up but in a way I am giving in to the truth of where I am at right now, in this moment and in this breath. I love and accept myself even when I get less done.