That moment when I realized my partnership is my greatest achievement so far…
I have been joyfully overwhelmed by all the support and excitement of Ben and I’s pregnancy and it has revealed that miracles do happen.
After 3 failed adoptions, 7 years of infertility and the years of money and time invested in trying to grow our family, we have learned so much about ourselves and have found sincere gratitude for all the hardship we had to endure because it has inspired us to follow more sincerely our hearts deeper longings.
I wanted to share how truly impactful this journey has been so far and I may not ever fully understand why it had to be this way but I do feel very strongly that it offered us the opportunity to fall in love with ourselves, each other and the lives we were creating no matter what challenges came our way.
As some of you already know, Ben is one of the kindest most grounded human beings you will ever meet. He was born without a judgemental bone in his body. And that is what allows him to love so unconditionally. Being the receiver of a love so boundless, that no matter how much I might mess up or wake up looking like I was electrocuted or say the wrong thing, or fart inappropriately while cuddling romantically in his arms or make a bad (always fear based) decision, this amazing man stands by me, keeps holding out his monkey arms for a hug and reassures me I am more than enough.
Every day when I am listing all the things in my life I am grateful for, he is always the first thing that comes into my mind. He is my best friend and truthfully the sexiest soulmate a girl could ask for. I am truly not afraid of aging and dying but I pray that we will get to wander for eternity together because this lifetime with him just isn’t enough for me. Since we started dating at 20 years old, his cards always read “my atoms have loved your atoms for all of time”. I feel a bond with him that would often, in my pas,t confront the bullshit fear based beliefs I used to cling to, the “I am not deserving or worthy” saboteurs that used to rule my existence. But Ben always would patiently give me space to resolve my internal shames and encouraged me to follow my own path because seeing me happy meant more to him than any achievement or financial success. His capacity to hold space compassionately without needing me to be different or behave in a certain way allowed me the freedom to get to know who I am and equally the safe haven to come home to when my freedom triggered another fragmented part of my self.
The knowing that my daughter will enter this world to the embrace of a father who loves so unmitigated and whole hearted, who is conscious of his fears and claims his projections and empowers everyone around him to be who they are or as he says “You do you”, it was all worth the wait.
She will get to watch her parents live true to their hearts because with each disappointing loss and every passing year of unsuccessful conception, we would ask ourselves what haven’t we lived or experienced that intrigues us, that calls to our deeper longing. And we would go for it. We wandered aimlessly at times and purposefully others. We released our attachments to what we thought we should be doing, or achieving and instead we bravely set out to experience what ignited our senses to taste, to touch, to see with our own eyes what this life has to offer us.
We quit the “secure” jobs that drained meaning from our day to day and took after experiences in our careers that fulfilled us. We shed our possessions and relinquished the security of over 300000 dollars a year from positions we had worked hard to achieve because we found ourselves numbing out or trying to escape our own lives. We embarked on a journey of the soul that both needed time apart to get to know our individual hearts needs and together to build more depth of intimacy in our relationship. And this balancing act was how In Balance was born. Striving to find harmony in my personal desires expressed and respecting and creating a safe space for Ben to do the same so that together we could strengthen, in love, our partnership and not because of how we behaved or performed but why we were here in the first place.
We have overcome so many differences in opinion through our willingness to listen to each other and our dedication to patiently giving space for each others own realizations, and most importantly for taking full responsibility for the projections we each have tried to blame or maim the other with in our internal fears and doubts.
And please don’t take this as how we behaved. Most of the time we flailed, yelled, hurt the other, pointed the finger, stormed out, and felt frustrated, until we learned that those ways of being with each other didn’t work or feel good. We haven’t always been so generous and accountable to eachother. But instead of repressing our needs, or falling into unhealthy routines again, we used our life not being yet what we wanted as a positive excuse to keep shaking up our comfort zones. We tried new tactics on our own and together through yoga, silent meditation retreats, coaching, somatic healing, countless trainings and courses, camping out in the wild with no connection, travels with no agenda or schedules, eye gazing in bed, gratitude sharing before our meetings or falling asleep, date nights, tantra workshops, sex clubs, jumping out of airplanes or hiking to a mountain top view. We committed to each our own growth so that we could show up fully for each other and always be willing to try new things, explore untouched territories and investigate new routines.
And this is why today, after all the tears and conquered fears that came from years of being denied parenthood, I am wholeheartedly grateful for what it allowed me and Ben to become. Every time we got bad news with our adoption, another delay or starting over again, we re-evaluated our current level of happiness and took it upon ourselves to raise our vibration. Every period that came and unsuccessful holistic treatment revealed another painful bleed, we questioned our priorities, inquired our curiosities and nourished our personal needs. And each time we gained more joy, more life altering orgasms, more quality interactions and more time fulfilled in the loving our life.
We spend a lot of time together, we share pretty much everything with each other (except sometimes I hoard the last piece of chocolate, I am not going to lie). And we also step back and cheer the other on, as they take off on another of their own personal adventure.
I really think that this whole living In Balance is a unique dance for each of us but requires us to always be taking care of our inner world in cooperation with our outer world in a way that enriches them both. And it will never be perfectly symmetrical or coloured in the lines at all times. But if we are aware of this powerful balance of me unfolding in the reflection of your eyes with your own ideas to be designed, than maybe we can find appreciation in the hard stuff that asks us to zoom out and reassess is this truly an expression of us living each individually and together our best?
I am not sure what is next but with all the challenges we continue to face, I know deeply we won’t give up or assume any distain. This life is happening for us, truly I feel that in my cells now. That my commitment to you Ben is a choice I make everyday beyond the legal documents, and it is the best achievement of my life so far. You balance me in my integrity and my grace everyday.
So to all those that are struggling in whatever dynamic you have, let it be the thing that magnifies the truth that you are hiding from and allow it to transform you to the core. What you know isn’t the whole picture. And your same actions will keep giving you the same results. So be willing to meet yourself where your at without believing this is all of who you are and let the people closest to you and the situations your presented with be an opportunity to expand beyond your fears. And maybe, just maybe, you will find your self impregnated with your own new creation in the reflection of what you are now ready to conceive!