I wonder if we were all born sensitive. To people. To animals. To the trees and the wild flowers. To the truth inside versus the marketed ideas of how we should exist on the outside. I wonder if the confusion is normal.
Is this my feeling or my mother’s?
Is this my desire or the magazine covers?
Is this my expression or the modelled conditioning of my culture?
I am curious to know if I am not the only one who feels a little lost in all the noise of ‘find your purpose’ like it’s fallen in the cracks of the couch and I just don’t know where I put it. ‘Be your authentic self’ as if I haven’t built 100 habits and patterns to reroute my expression into rows, isolated workouts and top down work ethics. I want to hear what you feel when you sit with yourself alone.
If the norm of overdoing and over producing at this time of year feels adrenally draining to you too, why do you still maintain the status quo?
Winter is asking us to go inward, slow down, be with our darkness. In a culture that has chosen to ignore where we come from, who we belong to and how to truly recharge, listening to our authentic expression and aligning with our purpose appears to be outside of ourselves in speeding up and doing more. Haven’t you heard, its New Years Resolution time! Drink up your coffee, get out, get doing, keep consuming from out there instead of releasing from in here.
It’s not enough to just be, to settle in observing the muddy bits of our own selves and intentionally, with compassion and quiet dedication, allow our nature to replenish in the stillness, to change in the spaciousness and to grow into our own expansiveness. Maybe if we collectively embraced winter and its qualities and elemental wisdom, then once spring sprouts we would be ready to share what we have learned authentically and purposefully.
I don’t know about you but I feel so at peace in the privacy of my self being alone in the quiet space of my home and the woods. And then I walk out into the streets and I start to feel all sorts of pulls and pushes and I get distracted by somebody else’s idea of who they think I should be or how we have collectively decided to behave. The common denominator is a superficial disorientation I have purchased at the store thinking this will make me feel whole, my want for wanting to be more, indebted me to a false experience of who I came here to be.
When I lie on the floor with Rosie, she isn’t confused about who she is, she is just curious about what she can learn. Somewhere along the way, I felt and I observed others feelings, and I got confused as to which ones I was allowed and which ones I was not. And who I had to be in order to appear like I didn’t feel. And somewhere in that conforming to the crowd, I disconnected from the being I have always been, the feeling I had always trusted, the rhythms that have always encouraged my wellbeing. Authenticity didn’t get me an A on my English paper, friends in the cool crowd, or a job at the most well paying company.
I am still getting to know myself. Probably always will. I am getting better at setting the right boundaries for me that later dissolve when I have reconnected with the parts of myself that I put aside to keep up. And of course that has meant really feeling into my new body this winter. Does it contract when I think about spending time with that person I have outgrown? Does it expand when I imagine a new relationship to my career? Does it oscillate confused when I have spent too much time busying and not enough time being? Where does love feel ever present and where does it feel like a distant relative? I will celebrate the love that comes easy and I will look deeper at myself in the places it’s withheld.
So to make things clear.
I am taking my time to create my 2020 this year. I am allowing my nature to be seemingly dormant on the outside but unbelievably stormy on the inside. To feel my sensitivity alongside the suffering of the homeless and single moms, the burning of kangaroos and koala bears to near extinction and the local deforestation of my tall friends up the street that offer me a space to breathe more fully into all of how I feel. To feel my own exhausted new mom weariness, my uncertainty in how to return back to work, in my old habits of yearning to be right or feeling entitled to a certain standard of life. To feel the peace and unbounded love behind that too, on the floor in cobra looking across at Rosie’s smiling back at me, the blessings I have in my warm home and in the strong arms of my partner’s embrace and across the table eating a wholesome meal with my amazing supportive friends and family. To let it all in my heart so my doing gets kinder and my being more honest to what needs to change.
Maybe you feel it too.
And maybe the only way to stop buying into the confusion we are propagated every time we open our phone, turn on the tv or walk through the mall is to turn off our devices, wander to the woods and the waters and reconvene with our whole selves that already exists purposefully in the stillness we allow ourselves to rest in. To resolve in being.
What we want isn’t outside of ourselves and will never be found in that ‘how to get successful in 30 days’ online course that assumes success is what it looks like in dollars and possessions or the ideal diet plan that has never actually met my unique body or in the extra hours worked to save up for that sparkly new electric car that makes a statement that I care about the environment but now don’t have time to go out and enjoy.
What we want is already on the inside which means the only solution is to reconnect with our child like wonder, spend more time in nature and less time in fluorescent lit shopping centres. We must get to know again that wonderfully sensitive and uniquely expressive human who came here to be.
Don’t get me wrong. Every time I do I both have to face the neglected and rejected bits and untangle myself from a bundle of prickly lies I got caught up in. But once I do, I open to my innate wisdom of wonder and the humming pulse of aliveness that I am so grateful to shape-shift into a miraculous life.
So if this is resonating, please repeat after me…
“I, in this moment sincerely wholly now, am liberated to be an authentically unfolding mystery and employ my heart as my muse.”
How good does that feel?
Breathe it in.
It’s here in the presence I am willing to dance with, of and in where something begins to reveal itself to me that doesn’t have to take a test, earn a masters or make 6 figures to be fully empowered. My truth is my own only when I am willing to release the past ideas of myself and the demands of who I think I should become. Like the matrix around me just drops away Neo style and I am tuned into the hum of my heart and my deepest desires that whisper me to say yes over here and no over there only when I get quiet. That feeling of gooey surrender, of appreciating rather than proving and of the unknown, uncertain, messy in the mis-takes that need to be earned, feeling.
It’s only in the presence of Presence unfolding, wholeness embodied and love clarified that my wants subside into peaceful revelations of being absolutely and completely fulfilled as me being Me. And then I live more harmoniously with my nature that is of, from and because nature fruitions me.
In the spirit of my feelings heightened by my recent transition into motherhood along with the blaring mirror Rosie holds to my idea of who I try to be versus simply being, I am inclined to celebrate the Lunar New Year this year. January first just comes on way too strong. Like Axe spray or a brand new subdivision that removed all evidence that we are nature too. So I am resting in my feminine power and following my moon wisdom to spend these next few weeks really listening. Feeling in. Hibernating to harbour my whole self. And I will definitely be boot-jumping in the puddles and muck of my fears. Luckily the rains will wash away what I am ready to release. Because my life is strengthened by my full presence and I really like it here, in the truth of what winter has to offer.
I am Allowing my nature to both be infinitely free and equally pressed by the time I have on this earth, I will coordinate no more plans outside the honest walls of my heart and I commit to what this mysterious mission of life has to show me. Bring on the magic and the mundane. I am home in my nature to love, to be kind, and to embody purposeful inaction authentically right now.
I know who I am.
I know what I am.
I know how I serve.
I am am here, I am now and I am free.
Love to you all.
~Kaitlin, Ben & Rosie~